In the unrelenting flood of superhero stories hitting film and minecraft villager sex video porntelevision, you might well feel overwhelmed by the Spider-Men, Eternals, The Batman, and Moon Knight of it all. Well, I've got some good news for you: Morbiusis totally skippable. 

In an attempt to stand out, Sony's latest MCU-adjacent Spider-Man spinoff pitches plenty at audiences to see what sticks. Yet amid a barrage of stars, monster-on-monster violence, and science-gone-awry melodrama, what stands out most is everything that Morbiusis not.

Directed by Daniel Espinosa, Morbiusfollows Michael Morbius (Jared Leto), a world-renowned doctor in search of a cure to the rare blood disease that afflicts him and his childhood friend Milo (Matt Smith). In aggressive exposition scenes, the good doctor will explain over and over how their DNA is missing a puzzle piece, but that missing bit might be found in vampire bats. Like so many Spidey cohorts before him, Morbius plays test subject to his dangerous experimental science. Behold! He achieves a glow-up that turns him from scrawny, peaked, and limping to brawny, bronzed, and parkouring. But at what cost? Yup. He's a vampire now. 

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Morbius is not a vampire horror movie

Credit: Sony Pictures

Known canonically as "the living vampire," Morbius struggles with his new yearning for human blood, which initially pitches him into a murderous rampage. However, screenwriters Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless treat vampire lore as little more than set dressing. So, there's an almost comical matter-of-factness to Morbius and his science pal/love interest Martine (Adria Arjona) discovering he's gone from sickly man to creature of myth. It's as if they're bored with the idea as soon as they learn about it. 

Besides ignoring the fun that might be had with exploring the tropes of vampire horror, Morbius also fails to be remotely scary. This is in part because its titular bloodsucker is dedicated to notbeing a bad guy, so there's no chilling moral grey area to play in. Further vexing the issue, the PG-13 rating (which is generally demanded for studio superhero movies to make their money back from the widest audience range possible) means that like The Batman, the supposed hard-hitting violence is ludicrously light on blood. "Artificial blood" dyed bright blue, offscreen violence, and lots of biting scenes shrouded in shadow keep scenes squeaky clean and woefully un-scary. 

SEE ALSO: 'The Batman' Review: A crime-thriller suffocated by PG-13 demands

Morbius is not a satisfying cat-and-mouse crime thriller

Credit: Sony Pictures

That initial killing spree leaves a pile of bodies and a lot of questions. On the case is a pair of FBI agents, one stern (Tyrese Gibson), one snarky (a blessedly bemusing Al Madrigal). However, their chasing down clues is far from the center of the film, so it becomes just another element half-heartedly explored.

Madrigal brings spark to his wise-cracking cop character. But there's no actual suspense born from this investigation, in part because the audience is given no reason to think the blood-craving vampire couldn't just break out. After all, it seems every time he's in a pinch, Morbius uncovers a new power that can save his day — like the abrupt realization he can fly away! 

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Morbius is not really a superhero movie

Credit: Sony Pictures

It's not even a super-anti-hero movie like Venomor Venom: Let There Be Carnage. Yes, Morbius is based on a Marvel Comics character. So, it's technicallya superhero movie. And it does include fight scenes, an evil antagonist, and a protagonist who is helped yet haunted by his superpowers.

However, defying the standards the DCEU and the MCU have forged in this genre, there's little in the way of heroics or derring-do here. He's not directly trying to rescue anyone or setting out to topple some massive malevolent force. Mostly Morbius is just cleaning up his own mess, trying to prevent the vampirism he released from making the world worse. But even this goal is abruptly abandoned to make way for the one superhero movie trope this movie hits hard: setup for a sequel. 

Morbius is barely a Marvel movie

Credit: Sony Pictures

Don't be fooled by the trailers that make mention of Venom, flash Spider-Man street art in the background, and tease Michael Keaton's return as The Vulture. Eddie Brock and his symbiote bestie are mentioned only as "that thing that happened in San Francisco," and as an inexplicable joke, where Morbius identifies himself as "Venom." That's it. 

As for Adrian "The Vulture" Toomes, he's not a part of the plot, despite what the trailers would have you believe. Slight spoilers: Toomes only appears in a pair of sequences that pop up awkwardly in the credits to tease a could-be sequel. As thrilling as it is to see Keaton's Vulture back in action, fans of the Sony Spidey-verse movies deserve better than the return of Leto's bland bloodsucker, who can't even brood with conviction. 

Morbius is catastrophically unfun 

Credit: Sony Pictures

Ruthless pacing rushes audiences across decades, around the globe, and through tiresome info-dumps about pseudo-science, bat behavior, and backstories. It's as if Espinosa doesn't trust we'll actually find this story interesting, so he allows no moments to breathe. Or perhaps, the speedy pacing is to make up for the lack of verve of the cast, many of whom speak in a tired tone as if they'd been dragged out of bed right before shooting — or maybe the hope is that if the plot moves fast enough, you won't have time to notice how achingly predictable every beat is, and how two-dimensional every character is. In a film that bounds from Costa Rica to Greece to New York City to "International Waters," this whole world only has six characters of consequence, and most of them could be summed up with a short phrase like "brainy love interest," "roguish bestie," and "father figure doomed to die because this is a superhero movie in only the most tedious ways." 

Be it House of Gucci, WeCrashed, or Suicide Squad's Joker, Leto isn't much for subtlety. Similarly, Matt Smith has brought plenty of character to Doctor Who, The Crown, and Last Night in Soho. Yet here, both deliver dull imitations of their past performances. When his face isn't papered over by CGI-vampire features, Leto's expression is pretty but blank, as if he's in an ad for men's cologne. Playing more of a wild man, Smith gets to have a bit more fun, throwing his body into a frenzy of dance and occasional menace. Yet, in a realm where vampires are realand where we know Eddie Brock has leapt into a lobster tank, this all feels frustratingly timid, from the flat performances to the predictable plot points, the bloodlessness, and the shameful lack of style. 

SEE ALSO: Surprise! Venom is the superhero who defines this pandemic moment

Grim greys and sickly greens paint settings that include unremarkable warehouses, laboratories, and hallways. The costumes are functional and forgettable, rarely fashionable or fun. Even the creature designs are unimpressive, feeling like a computer-generated ripoff of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer prosthetics. They're not bad, but neither are they fresh or frightening. No amount of slow-motion battle scenes can make up for that.

In the end, Morbiusis trying to do much, much more than the Marvel/Sony movies that have come before (which is saying something). But lacking in style, spirit, scares, andsuspense, this would-be thriller is a toothless and tedious chore. 

Morbius is now in theaters.

Topics Film Marvel